They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
