he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
it's like iHOP with fire
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
We don't watch enough power rangers
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Randomize
