I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
