textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
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