my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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