i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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