she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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