I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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