I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
