In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
