You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
