after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
