The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
