Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
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