Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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