Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
