your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
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