i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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