im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
