just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
