its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
