i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
