Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
