Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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