NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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