Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
