I didn't shave. On purpose
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
