I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
