On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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