No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Every concussion has its silver lining
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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