chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
