You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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