I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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