After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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