i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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