Can i not drive my cunt home
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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