I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
