Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
How external is "for external use only"?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
