____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
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