Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
