My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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