everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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