a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
