I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
