I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
