I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
