I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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