I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
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