turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
