My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize