Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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