Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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