You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
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Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
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I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
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