So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
