my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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