I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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