You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
