I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
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Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
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