That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
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