I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Randomize
