he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
